Writing Task 2 Sample Band 9.0 Correction

Mc IELTS

Essay 14 - Coreected with Feedback and Score

Topic: Some people think that computers are more of a hindrance than a help in today's society. Others believe that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Part 1:

Computers have been increasing remarkably in their popularity for over the last two decades. One school of thought is that computers consist of various perils, while some suggest that they possess enormous merits. Personally, I hold the perception that such a modern invention has far more significant benefits such as data-searching effectiveness and communicating efficiency.

Correction:

Computers have been increasing remarkably in their popularity for over the last two decades. One school of thought is that computers consist of various perils, while some suggest that they possess enormous positives. Personally, I hold the perception that such a modern invention has far more significant benefits such as data-searching effectiveness and communicating efficiency.

Comment:

Nice, solid introduction. No grammar errors in the three sentences plus you use interesting less common vocabulary in a proper way as such "data-searching effectiveness and communicating efficiency". You also have a nice academic idiom "one school of thought is..."

I have no major critism of this intro and would score it 8 in all four categories. The reason it does not get 9 is for a very minor issue such as the way "merits" is used. The way you use "merits" is OK but a native speaker would not use that word to describe computers. Anothe thing you could have done to possibly get a 9 in TR or C&C is also mention specifically the negatives like you did the positives. But nonetheless, you still score 8 in all categories and it's still a good introduction.

Part 2

Without question, computers do have certain negative impacts on users. Nowadays, many computer programmes for the purpose of entertainments, commercially designed to make people addictive, are sometimes link with either violent scenes or pornographic pictures. As soon as some users are “trapped”, they may spend hours in front of the screen. Consequently, their productivities and job proficiencies may be seriously affected. Moreover, it may increase the likelihood of exposing and intruding people’s privacy due to the fact that users are so vulnerable that their personal details are sometimes saved in a main public server.

Correction:

Without question, computers do have certain negative impacts on users. Nowadays, many computer programmes for the purpose of entertainment, commercially designed to make people addictive, are sometimes linked with either violent scenes or pornographic pictures. As soon as some users are “trapped,” they may spend hours in front of the screen. Consequently, their productivities and job proficiencies may be seriously affected. Moreover, computer use may increase the likelihood of exposing and intruding on people’s privacy due to the fact that users are so vulnerable that their personal details are sometimes saved in a main public server.

Comment:

Nice (clear and to the point) topic sentence: “Without question, computers do have certain negative impacts on users.”

Good, you are following the logical order as in the question and your intro – negative then positive.  In other words, this paragraph is about the negatives which is what you first mentioned in your introduction.

A few grammar errors: remember that ‘entertainment’ is a non-count noun – don’t put an ‘s.’ Use “linked” not “link.” Notice also the proper punctuation with the comma and quotes on “trapped.”

Use “they” not “it” when referring to computers but ‘computer use’ is better.  Three of the sentences are error-free so you still make a 7 for grammar in this paragraph.

The collocation is “intruding on.”

Excellent use of “trapped” and other vocabulary.  Several complex sentences.    Overall, this paragraph is entirely coherent and will score high. Your score is easily 8 8 8 and 7 in grammar.

Part 3

However, computers have a number of advantages. Thanks to such a means, people are able to access vast resources including a wide range of areas such as science, medicine, environment, etc. It is so effective and convenient that only a single click can show us an appropriate result. In addition, computers help people communicate effectively. For example, an email can be sent and received in a couple of seconds compared to a traditional letter which may take days. Moreover, due to the mass-producing, computers have become affordable than ever before.

Correction:

However, computers have a number of advantages. Thanks to such a means, people are able to access vast resources including a wide range of areas such as science, medicine, the environment, and countless other needed fields. It is so effective and convenient that only a single click can show us a desired result. In addition, computers help people communicate effectively. For example, an email can be sent and received in a couple of seconds compared to a traditional letter which may take days. Moreover, due to their mass-production, computers have become more affordable than ever before.

Comment:

Nice collocations “such a means,” “vast resources,” “wide range” and so on.

You need to say “the environment” and “to their mass-production.”

Avoid the use of “etc.” or “and so on” in IELTS.  You need to complete the thought as I did with “…and countless other needed fields.”

You need the word “more” in the sentence “…computers have become more affordable than ever before.”

This sentence sounds a bit awkward “It is so effective and convenient that only a single click can show us an appropriate result” because “appropriate result” is vague and subjective.  Just say “a desired result” and the sentence is much better.

This paragraph score TR 8, Vocab 8, and then 7 and 7.

Part 4

In a word, undoubtedly computers do have some negative impacts, whereas their advantages are far more significant. For the betterment of our lives, I would argue that such an advanced device should be encouraged and popularised owing to the outstanding benefits such as the effectiveness of searching data, the efficiency of communicating and the affordability.

Correction:

In conclusion, undoubtedly computers do have some negative impacts, whereas their advantages are far more significant. For the betterment of our lives, I would argue that such an advanced device should be encouraged and popularised owing to the outstanding benefits such as the effectiveness of searching data, the efficiency of communicating and the affordability.

Comment:

Do not use informal discourse markers such as “In a word…” for introducing a conclusion.  Just use standard academic phrases such as “In conclusion…”  This is a not an area an examiner looks for synonyms – they look for accepted academic diction.

Overall, a solid, tight conclusion that appropriately summarizes your three positive points and would score 8 8 8 and 7 in C&C (due to informal discourse marker).  For a higher score you would need to also mention the negatives.

(295 words)

Overall, this is a very strong paper and would score 8 8 and 7 in C&C and 7 in grammar for an overall score of 7.5. With my corrections, the paper would score overall 9.

GOOD WRITING AND

GOOD LUCK FROM THE Mc IELTS TEAM

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